Saturday, March 27, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
i was halfway through thinking this blog when i was signing in so i'll start in the middle:
dear all my good friends in my life,
i hope this crap never makes you feel bad because your good vibes and good friendship and coolness is the reason why i am where i am today! where would i be without my sense of humor and inspo and support?????????? not in nyc. idk. i'm only funny bevause my friends think i am (or pretend it)
so whatever hmmm, i guess i'll talk about my crush that's not really a crush, i mean, ive been thinking he was like pretty cute and stuff for like 6 months and stuff, but he's pretty spazzy, like coke habit spazzy, im sure. but dang that irish accent. and the fact that he's pretty old actually makes him hotter to me. oops. i like old dudes. but its not very much like "omg we could be married" cutesy charismatic shit. it's really not that great. but it's fun to realize my crush and FINALLLY for the first time in years i feel like wtf i should go after guys i crush on because number one im good enough number two if it doesnt work out WTF who cares? on to the next. im soooo stuck in my introspection based on i can show my interest on a million guys and if it's not mutual it's just not. like how i wouldnt like a guy who's personality isnt waht i want no matter how hot they are or i wouldnt like a guy with a great persona if i wasnt physicalyy attracted and i might as well just chance all i have and not take it personally, beause its not personal when IIIIII dont like people, which is basically all the time.
and i think its so cool that how iron and wine made me feel at first and for years after like "this breath caught in my throat feeling" nothing else made me feel like that but now i feel like bon iver is that new feeling. and i feel like that feeling makes me feel real in myself.
its so crazy that meeting new people and having new friends just makes me believe even more and more that people are just PEOPLE. im just always lucky to find sweeties. but i feel like i take people very humanly. it's weird that i don't even know, its not that i dont miss my friends I DO it's just like going home even for a weekend seem lackluster to me, besides like sleeping with my parents and cuddling on my couch. wtf is columbus? it seems so dumb now. i miss my old memory times. i feel like i cared so much about c and i still do just because it ended up being such a huge time investment of my life. i struggle with wanting to piss him off or asking and hoping if he's doing well and wanting to be friendsone day.
even though im so happy that im not moving bck to ohio that i want to cry for like a week straight, i still feel that up till this point i made the right decisions. jessica job was soul sucking and i'm glad to be moving somewhat foreward. damn i miss cal and zane. that age is just beyond precious, so innocent and lovely. i could spend the rest of my life with those boys and still brag about them like they were my own. they wont even remember me when they grow up.
i cant wait to have kids. (i mean i can butyou know)
now i imagine everying in an irish accent, i cant help it okay?!?! i have a crush and im finally allowing myself to indulge in it for the first time in years. i love this feeling! i feel so girly!!!!!!
new york is so beautiful. i do great things all the time and don't even tally them in my brain until i do, and i'm like wtf ice skating in central park, marina abramovic at moma, the armory show, brunchies, photoshoot with ryan mcginley, omg and karl lagerfeld had a shoot ON MY STREET for chanel today but i was working and missed it but i mean come on really? i stillll talk to people and they probably think im 9 when i talk about living here because i'm so freaking giddy that i live in nyc. forever and ever. eternal optimist.
dear all my good friends in my life,
i hope this crap never makes you feel bad because your good vibes and good friendship and coolness is the reason why i am where i am today! where would i be without my sense of humor and inspo and support?????????? not in nyc. idk. i'm only funny bevause my friends think i am (or pretend it)
so whatever hmmm, i guess i'll talk about my crush that's not really a crush, i mean, ive been thinking he was like pretty cute and stuff for like 6 months and stuff, but he's pretty spazzy, like coke habit spazzy, im sure. but dang that irish accent. and the fact that he's pretty old actually makes him hotter to me. oops. i like old dudes. but its not very much like "omg we could be married" cutesy charismatic shit. it's really not that great. but it's fun to realize my crush and FINALLLY for the first time in years i feel like wtf i should go after guys i crush on because number one im good enough number two if it doesnt work out WTF who cares? on to the next. im soooo stuck in my introspection based on i can show my interest on a million guys and if it's not mutual it's just not. like how i wouldnt like a guy who's personality isnt waht i want no matter how hot they are or i wouldnt like a guy with a great persona if i wasnt physicalyy attracted and i might as well just chance all i have and not take it personally, beause its not personal when IIIIII dont like people, which is basically all the time.
and i think its so cool that how iron and wine made me feel at first and for years after like "this breath caught in my throat feeling" nothing else made me feel like that but now i feel like bon iver is that new feeling. and i feel like that feeling makes me feel real in myself.
its so crazy that meeting new people and having new friends just makes me believe even more and more that people are just PEOPLE. im just always lucky to find sweeties. but i feel like i take people very humanly. it's weird that i don't even know, its not that i dont miss my friends I DO it's just like going home even for a weekend seem lackluster to me, besides like sleeping with my parents and cuddling on my couch. wtf is columbus? it seems so dumb now. i miss my old memory times. i feel like i cared so much about c and i still do just because it ended up being such a huge time investment of my life. i struggle with wanting to piss him off or asking and hoping if he's doing well and wanting to be friendsone day.
even though im so happy that im not moving bck to ohio that i want to cry for like a week straight, i still feel that up till this point i made the right decisions. jessica job was soul sucking and i'm glad to be moving somewhat foreward. damn i miss cal and zane. that age is just beyond precious, so innocent and lovely. i could spend the rest of my life with those boys and still brag about them like they were my own. they wont even remember me when they grow up.
i cant wait to have kids. (i mean i can butyou know)
now i imagine everying in an irish accent, i cant help it okay?!?! i have a crush and im finally allowing myself to indulge in it for the first time in years. i love this feeling! i feel so girly!!!!!!
new york is so beautiful. i do great things all the time and don't even tally them in my brain until i do, and i'm like wtf ice skating in central park, marina abramovic at moma, the armory show, brunchies, photoshoot with ryan mcginley, omg and karl lagerfeld had a shoot ON MY STREET for chanel today but i was working and missed it but i mean come on really? i stillll talk to people and they probably think im 9 when i talk about living here because i'm so freaking giddy that i live in nyc. forever and ever. eternal optimist.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
just what a weird place to be in right now. i miss my mom so much in this moment, and i miss being close to people/close with people. i have been so lucky to make great friends in new york, and there's nothing i desire about back home, i don't think going home would satiate my loneliness. and i'm not lonely often or anything, i think it just gets to you after awhile just not knowing what's going to happen. and having all the time in the world to think about it, or just to sleep. it's been so insane going from having no life of my own, to having all day every day to myself. it kind of drives you mad. but i know i'm going in the right direction.
i do wish i was cuddling on the couch with my mom watching seinfeld though.
last night was really fun and i can't believe how many people are coming out of the woodwork. how is the biggest city in the country such a small world? i love it. home.
i do wish i was cuddling on the couch with my mom watching seinfeld though.
last night was really fun and i can't believe how many people are coming out of the woodwork. how is the biggest city in the country such a small world? i love it. home.
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