goodbye 2010

you were the craziest year of my life by far!!!!

god i only have a few hours left of this year and i have nothing to wear!!!!!!!!!!! and i'm sitting in my cold room alone blogging!!!!!!!!!!

regret regret

regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret regret

constant state of nausea

nerves?

welp

just got another credit card. god rest my soul.

barf.

now i feel really terrible. i think i need to go buy a 40ozzzzzzzzzzz. poor sad and jerky.

dates

asked on a date by one of the dude friends. not happy about this AT ALL.

holy dude friends!

i'm so excited that i basically have 2 really awesome new dude friends. i think my life is going to improve a lot. i'm really proud of myself for putting myself out there. now, i basically have to go a month without spending ANY money. already screwed up today... :(:(:(:(

2011

i'm talking about CHRISTMAS 2011.

this is my wishlist:
-go home for a week
-be able to buy presents for everyone i love
-twinkly lights

or maybe these can be my new years resolutions or something. this past years been CRAZY i hope 2011 is stable and smart. good luck kathleen you'll need it

*

freak i love christmas and singing and decorationz. if i don't join a choir soon i'll just die.

unemployment

i'm a little nervous for my roommates to come home and find that i've lost my job, but i'm just havin' a good time hanging out in my underwear blasting the 400 christmas carols i downloaded today and making millions of paper chains to hang under the black light i bought for halloween. i made a tree out of a string of lights under the black light so like the black light is the star. well they might hate it but i'm the only one who's gonna be here on christmas so whatever. also i might spend my $10 duane reade gift card on harpoon winter warmer. beer>food. i had a dream about it last night, so i guess it must come to be!

sunlight

from 1:30-2:30, the sun shines on a shiny building across the street and reflects sunlight into my bedroom. if i'm home for it, it's my favorite part of day.

DEAR UNIVERSE,

GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TODAY.

you know what i'm talking about.

sighhhhhhhhh

i can't believe it's been a year and half since i've been a hair stylist :( :( :( blah life

2:05

it's 5 minutes past what i just decided was my bedtime tonight, so i better force myself to go to bed.

funny

this is my myspace interest from probably 3 or more years ago:

"kittens, cats, especially big fluffy lapcats, puppies, tiny songbirds, feathers, diet coke, black, ummmmm dirty chai tea lattes, my good good friends, pretending i'm going to move to new york, raspberry margaritas, crying, reading, gushing over models, long soft hair, the 4th of july, nostalgia, family, fresh flowers, chips and dips, instruments i'll never learn, candles and fire, cupcakes, mostly being quiet, spontaneity, old photos, old anything, new anything, themed parties, throwing parties (not currently possible), and getting through today"

i'm basically still the same except i don't pretend to move to new york anymore, throwing parties IS possible, ummm, and dirty chai tea lattes are like way way too sweet for me anymore. and i don't drink diet pop.

bloggin from my phone. my hair's almost down to my belly button as i write this. i think this is a turning point. as I sit here with triscuits. i'm just saying i'm starting to miss people from my past that maybe at the time i didnt appreciate as much. well either way i'm stuck in the past still listenin' to neko and iron and feelin' the same 4e. not such a bad thing though. i'm not happy, but at least i'm not sad...

"By hook or by crook, I hope that you will possess yourselves of money enough to travel and to idle, to contemplate the future or the past of the world, to dream over books and loiter at street corners and let the line of thought dip deep into the stream."
Virginia Woolf (A Room of One’s Own)

BOO!!!!!

it's halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen bitchez!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lazy

this has been the laziest week. i'm working a lot, but other than work i'm just laying in bed. must. clean. room.

in other news i think today or tomorrow my last credit card payment will be payed and i'm officially free of the dreaded thing! reason for celebration!!!! also i'm cooking up some plans to make a big move in the spring. tentatively.

got to fit in e.s. tonight. i hope i didn't wake kaile up with my crying... oh i want to cry all night

i feel really weird and not really tired and a little lonely and sad and i'm wanting to watch eternal sunshine right now but i guess it's almost 3 am and i should just try to sleep. also, i miss singing.

WHAT

most fun mom weekend ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! loving the beatles even more forever. thinking of starting an obsession. so unoriginal. today i got a fern and 3 old map posters and gypsy witch playing cards. not so bad.

thing i need/want/can't get because waiting tables is unreliable

i miss being rich a couple months ago. now i'm poor poor pooooor. i still like to think about things i can one day afford like:

a new jacket
new jeans
boots galore
new hair
a platform bed
cowhide rug
navajo print rug
things like dreamcatchers and plants
mucho halloween decs
trips home
trips elsewhere
a new digi cam
a holga too
hair tools like blowdryers and irons
yoga
concerts
doctors appointments
a banjo
banjo lessons
bug ol' chunky scarves
oxfords

cheesy

i'm so unbelievably happy. i feel like my face hurts from being in a constant smile. i can't wait to move into my new apartment in a week, i can't wait for summer, i can't wait to meet a million more new interesting people, i can't wait to travel! i love my friends. every day here is like a vacation, amazing food, amazing (window) shopping, then you look up and you're surrounded by amazing buildings and art and people from all over the world! just so much to see and experience, my head is swimming.

tired tired tired

man, i gotta do stuff, but quite frankly my feet hurt from working non-stop for the past six days and walking everywhere and up and down these steps. i need better shoes! can't afford better anything, yet. so i'll just stay horizontal for maybe another ten minutes.

today i'm going to james' birthday party and i'm really nervous. i wonder how the kids will treat me but i hope it's just lovingly like i imagine. i'm more nervous about seeing jessica and larry and also about what to wear. ugh. at least things are going well enough for me that i won't be embarrassed to talk about myself.

the LEASE! hopefully monday i am signing a lease for the most beautiful best apartment in the whole wide world. it has the best rooftop view in williamsburg which means my summer will consist of bathing suits, mini-bbqs with hotdogs, sparklers, brewskies, popsicles, laying out, jamz, and all while overlooking pretty pretty manhattan and all the bridges and just everything being perfect, i imagine. probably about to commence the best summer of my life.

especially if working with rachel really works out and i make big big big money like i'm hoping to! i'm so excited to be relatively comfortable money-wise living in nyc! amaze.

as soon as operation new-apartment is underway i can concentrate (finally) on hair-doin'!!!! wow it looks nice outside and it was supposed to rain. that's enough to motivate me to get moving i suppose so that's all for now.

dreams last for so long

i mean, i don't really think about mick that much anymore except that he lives in new york too so of course i think of getting in touch with him sometimes. but that doesn't really explain the dream: him driving me somewhere (i'm in the backseat) of some silver suv and he swerves wildly and we get pulled over and i'm really upset because i'm trying to save money. then we walk, with the cops, from my car to his apartment which of course doesn't make sense. he lives on avenue six in my dream. we hang out (with the cops) for awhile drinking beers and eating chips, little appesauce cups, and fruit by the foot. he get's kind of affectionate and then disappears and i decided i want to have one last cigarette/say goodbye. theres like this very strange bar next door and it's maze like and i end up looking for him but the crowd just keeps getting younger and finally i run into his little sister (fairly certain he doesn't have a little sister IRL) and she tells me how weird he is in relationships (slightly reminiscent of a conversation from my past) and then ends the conversation with "you know he's married right?" and talks about hating the girl, then i look for him even more but never find him and i wake up. and had one of those really hazy "did that really happen" feelings for about five minutes. i still feel weird. blah.

the sad truth

i already spent 10 bucks at mcdonald's this morning, so i should do laundry, come home, and not spend a dime anywhere else today.

i hate starting new books

don't get me wrong, i like reading new books. but i hate the beginning i'd much rather be in the middle or the end. but since i have laundry to do i better start a new book because wtf else am i going to do for 2 hours? maybe take a walk too. i can't decide if i'm allowed to get a manicure or a backrub today. i think i should be allowed to, especially if i plan on cleaning when i get home too. i also need to go to the grocery store and the bank but i reeeally don't want to deposit my cash. because i'm overdrawn so it will disappear a little. but i have credit cards to pay. i doubt a tiny bit that i'll have 2 grand saved by end of may but i really really want to. i think i might start eating ramen again nonstop because that's a meal for 25 cents and i spent too much money on delicious foods this past weekend.

wooooops this blog is boring but luckily nobody reads it except maybe ktz

whatever

i'm just lonely again, nothing unusual and it's not that bad

not sure what to call this blog

last night was so weeeeeeird. i worked late and then stayed out REALLY late at work and got kind of drunk and was the only girl there amidst a pretty weird crowd and then being sneaked into staying at brian's house. but he is so nice and there was no funny business which funnily enough kind of makes me like him a little. then he insisted i stay for breakfast and he ordered us some eggies and home fries and we watched the dog whisperer and some jessica simpson tv show and would once in awhile talk and i couldn't really understand him very much, irish accent and all, but it was nice sleeping in a bed, and nice having company. it's so weird that he just broke up with his fiance three weeks ago. makes me feel kind of sick and sad about the past. i want to stop thinking about c.

boat tomorrow yeeeeeah on a boat!

when am i going to go sailing with alan???

let me reiterate

so relieved to have a job and a full week of work ahead of me

i was halfway through thinking this blog when i was signing in so i'll start in the middle:
dear all my good friends in my life,
i hope this crap never makes you feel bad because your good vibes and good friendship and coolness is the reason why i am where i am today! where would i be without my sense of humor and inspo and support?????????? not in nyc. idk. i'm only funny bevause my friends think i am (or pretend it)

so whatever hmmm, i guess i'll talk about my crush that's not really a crush, i mean, ive been thinking he was like pretty cute and stuff for like 6 months and stuff, but he's pretty spazzy, like coke habit spazzy, im sure. but dang that irish accent. and the fact that he's pretty old actually makes him hotter to me. oops. i like old dudes. but its not very much like "omg we could be married" cutesy charismatic shit. it's really not that great. but it's fun to realize my crush and FINALLLY for the first time in years i feel like wtf i should go after guys i crush on because number one im good enough number two if it doesnt work out WTF who cares? on to the next. im soooo stuck in my introspection based on i can show my interest on a million guys and if it's not mutual it's just not. like how i wouldnt like a guy who's personality isnt waht i want no matter how hot they are or i wouldnt like a guy with a great persona if i wasnt physicalyy attracted and i might as well just chance all i have and not take it personally, beause its not personal when IIIIII dont like people, which is basically all the time.

and i think its so cool that how iron and wine made me feel at first and for years after like "this breath caught in my throat feeling" nothing else made me feel like that but now i feel like bon iver is that new feeling. and i feel like that feeling makes me feel real in myself.

its so crazy that meeting new people and having new friends just makes me believe even more and more that people are just PEOPLE. im just always lucky to find sweeties. but i feel like i take people very humanly. it's weird that i don't even know, its not that i dont miss my friends I DO it's just like going home even for a weekend seem lackluster to me, besides like sleeping with my parents and cuddling on my couch. wtf is columbus? it seems so dumb now. i miss my old memory times. i feel like i cared so much about c and i still do just because it ended up being such a huge time investment of my life. i struggle with wanting to piss him off or asking and hoping if he's doing well and wanting to be friendsone day.

even though im so happy that im not moving bck to ohio that i want to cry for like a week straight, i still feel that up till this point i made the right decisions. jessica job was soul sucking and i'm glad to be moving somewhat foreward. damn i miss cal and zane. that age is just beyond precious, so innocent and lovely. i could spend the rest of my life with those boys and still brag about them like they were my own. they wont even remember me when they grow up.

i cant wait to have kids. (i mean i can butyou know)

now i imagine everying in an irish accent, i cant help it okay?!?! i have a crush and im finally allowing myself to indulge in it for the first time in years. i love this feeling! i feel so girly!!!!!!

new york is so beautiful. i do great things all the time and don't even tally them in my brain until i do, and i'm like wtf ice skating in central park, marina abramovic at moma, the armory show, brunchies, photoshoot with ryan mcginley, omg and karl lagerfeld had a shoot ON MY STREET for chanel today but i was working and missed it but i mean come on really? i stillll talk to people and they probably think im 9 when i talk about living here because i'm so freaking giddy that i live in nyc. forever and ever. eternal optimist.

just what a weird place to be in right now. i miss my mom so much in this moment, and i miss being close to people/close with people. i have been so lucky to make great friends in new york, and there's nothing i desire about back home, i don't think going home would satiate my loneliness. and i'm not lonely often or anything, i think it just gets to you after awhile just not knowing what's going to happen. and having all the time in the world to think about it, or just to sleep. it's been so insane going from having no life of my own, to having all day every day to myself. it kind of drives you mad. but i know i'm going in the right direction.

i do wish i was cuddling on the couch with my mom watching seinfeld though.

last night was really fun and i can't believe how many people are coming out of the woodwork. how is the biggest city in the country such a small world? i love it. home.

darling darling darling

i just bought a new computer :) my darling macbook pro. it's truly beautiful. i can't believe i've gone years without a computer! i already feel so much more connected to the world. this is going to help.